Life Dreaming

It’s been a few weeks since I wrote a post and I hope this one finds you well and healthy and full of energy.

I’ve been a sick puppy for coming on 3 weeks with a cold and cough that surprised me with its ferocity.

Most of the time I’m a healthy and energetic woman whose brain buzzes with ideas and I have more energy than the sun.

And while I can often be heard saying ‘I really treasure my health’ it has really come home to me how truly important it is.

It all started 3 weeks ago when I woke with a bit of a cold … no worries says me … a day in bed and I’ll be bouncing back.

Day 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 … bugger … I just felt worse and worse and had to cancel a weeks worth of activities as I lay in bed like a jellyfish with mush brain.

Coco dog was not impressed but staunchly stayed by my side.

Week one goes by and it’s another Monday … a new week of possibilities.

I have meetings every day that require me to have a functioning brain. I make it through the week … just. The meetings are lengthy [2 to 3 hours] and require a lot of  creativity and thinking and contribution on my part. I enjoy them very much as each one is with an interesting and engaging woman … and the topics are truly interesting.

Each day I wake up feeling tired [and coughing ... jeez ... it really exhausts the body] and go to bed tired.

I couldn’t write LD posts as the first week I was in La La Land and the second week I was too exhausted from meetings.

I woke on Monday this week hoping I’d be restored to my happy energy and healthy self … hasn’t happened yet and it’s now Thursday.

I am much better than week one and two but not yet in that happy energetic space.

And as ever … I learnt something about myself and have a few insights that might be useful.

Your health truly is your wealth

I am always grateful for a body that stays healthy most of the time. Our bodies have to hold so much energy from the other parts that make us human … our hearts and minds and whatever makes us our essential selves.

Living takes a lot of energy

Oh yeh baby … every day … every moment … it all takes energy. And the more engaged and aware and conscious and mindful we are … the more energy we use and gain and share. It’s very very powerful and pretty infinite … and we need to create time and space to replenish and recharge.

I know that I have an enormous well of energy … and I also know that I don’t always manage it as well as I could.

Being ill really takes a huge share of energy

I was astonished at how much energy it takes to be ill. It’s like a black hole. For the first week all I could do was lay in bed and barely move. I lost my appetite and my energy and just drifted through the days.

It’s now week 3 and although I’m much better than I was I know that it’ll take another few weeks to rebuild and replenish my energy stores.

It’s amazing how our bodies work to protect us.

Most things can be rescheduled or deferred or delegated

I cancelled a weeks worth of activities and meetings.

Nobody minded … countries didn’t fall … life went on around me.

I wrote about it a lot more here. – 4 Delicious & Dangerous things you can do to sort your life.

Illness can be a time to focus on what’s really important

My body made it very clear that it was not well and would not appreciate being dragged out of bed to meetings or even writing a Life Dreaming post … which I usually love. I had to listen and work at my body’s pace … which in the first week meant no work.

In the second week I was able to go to meetings … all important ones … and that’s all. The opportunity cost of doing those meetings was that I couldn’t do anything else as I was exhausted after 2 to 3 hours of intense concentration and discussion. That was the trade off and pay off.

And this week I decided that I would stay at home and catch up with my writing and other work … walk Coco … and prepare super healthy food to begin to rebuild my energy. I’m not going out or socialising as that will take energy I just don’t have at the moment.

I may stay at home next week to give my body the time it needs to recharge … and then I’m going out to Play!

Some of life’s stresses are self imposed

In all of this I won a contract … the first one in 9 months … yup there’s a recession in Ireland. I’m delighted as the work is with a great organisation and I really enjoy the woman I’m working with … and the work has real world impact.

I also began a new idea for an online business that I’ll be developing over the next year called Ninety Nine Cent Books … more on that anon.

I’m working with a friend to run a Dublin Fashion Swap Shop Event on May 21 and there’s a lot of fun stuff to organise.

And I still have a lot of rewriting and editing of the Life Dreaming Expedition to do so Marc can start design stuff.

When I woke on Monday I made a list of everything I’d be doing … and by yesterday I was like a pile of irritation and stress … tired and exhausted.

When I found myself being irritable with Coco dog I just stopped … sat down … and had a little chat with myself that went something like this …

‘Why are you so irritable Liz? It’s not like you.’

‘I’m so tired and pissed off that I don’t have my usual energy to get everything done. I have to design 4 online surveys by the end of the day and sometime this week I want to edit at least 3 LD modules and Coco needs a walk …’

‘What do you think is stressing you the most? Where is the pressure coming from?’

‘I feel that I’m not going to develop the surveys to a quality I want by the end of the day. I realise that I need to do some online research and develop some conceptual and contextual frameworks that can inform the survey design … and there’s not enough time to do both.’

‘Why don’t you make time … email the client and explain what you’re doing and say the surveys will be ready on Friday or even Monday. Once you get the surveys done you can concentrate on LD most of next week.’

And that’s what I did. And I felt myself relax and the pressure dropped.

The client had no problems and said she’d prefer really quality surveys and trusted my process.

I made time today to write this LD post because I really wanted to connect back to you.

The time I spent researching and thinking yesterday has resulted in an amazing 3D conceptual, temporal and contextual framework that now informs the whole project process … it’s awesome.

I realised that I was the one imposing the stress on myself … therefore I was the one with the power to release the pressure by rearranging deadlines.

And I walked Coco yesterday and we played and I sat on the grass in the sun.

Being ill can be a nice place to visit … just don’t live there

Being ill is interesting.

I got lots of attention … I was able to lay in bed all week and cancel any kind of activity or commitment … I could just let things go and not have to stick to deadlines or be responsible or bright or energetic.

In some ways it was like a vacation … except I felt crappy.

I realised that … for me … being ill can be a tempting place to be … too tempting.

And I choose to be well and energetic and engaged in my life … and I’ll take the time and tonics and healthy food to re energise myself.

I realised in the last few weeks that I love the life I live … and I want to have the energy to live it.

My health really is my wealth.

Life Dreaming Activity

How does your energy get used up?

How do you replenish your energy?

Have you ever felt the temptations of being ill?

How much of the stress and pressure in your life is self imposed?

What will you do to change that?

I’d love to hear what you think. Leave a comment below and let’s chat.

Dali – Couple with their heads full of clouds.

Marc did an interesting thing today. He wrote 2 paragraphs and then challenged me to finish it … and I did. And I was surprised where my writing took me.

When I sent it back to him he was surprised at the direction I went in … he was thinking of another direction.

So my fab readers … you’ll get to see where my brother Marc takes these 2 paragraphs on Thursday.

I do love doing things a tad differently.

Here are the 2 paragraphs:

Whenever we decide to cheat (or not) on our partners, lie (or not) to our employers, be creative (or not) with our tax returns and forgive (or not) someone who annoyed us, the self-justification mechanism kicks in to assure us that we did the right thing.

Our attitudes and values become more and more deeply entrenched. It provides an explanation – a partial one at least – for how other people manage to do the foolish, selfish and mean spirited things they do. They do them in precisely the same way we do the foolish, shelfish and mean-spirited things we do … as well as the courageous, silly & generous things.

And we justify our choices & decisions & view of life a number of ways:

· By referring to others as the reason for our behaviour … ‘he made me …’  ’they’re all doing it …’ ‘She told me that’s what I should do ..’ ‘they started it …’

· By selectively filtering information to prove that you were right in doing what you did … ‘that proves I was right …’ ‘ that information isn’t right … they don’t know what they’re talking about’ … only selecting the good or bad stuff.

· By referring to past experiences … ‘that’s the way I’ve always done it’  ’ It’s happened this way every time I tried … what’s the point in trying again’  ‘it worked well for me before’

· By pointing to the Rules set by religion, state, culture etc … ‘that’s the commandments’  ’there’s a law against it’  ‘We just don’t allow that kind of thing’ ‘it’s the way our community/family works’

· By imagining the result [positive or negative] … ‘If I do this then … it’ll hurt … no one will like me … I’ll fail … I’ll be happy … they’ll approve of me …’

None of these ways are necessarily great good or great evil … they are just some of the ways we will use to justify our choices, attitudes & behaviours towards ourselves and others.

And the more conscious we are about how we are making these self justifying choices … the more powerfully we can make choices in the future … or not … it’s always up to you.

The choices we make can either expand or contract our lives.

There is one area in my life where this self justification has entrenched a pattern of belief, attitudes and behaviours in a way that I don’t even know anymore whether it’s expanding or contracting my life.

And that ‘reality’ is that I’m a complete failure/dud/naysayer when it comes to my relationships with men … they just don’t work … or are too much hard work … or are a pain in the heart.

Looking slightly confused and bemused

Even writing about it makes me tense up … so I suppose I’d better face that fear and see where it takes me.

Nearly every area of my life exudes abundance and hope and willingness to take risks … I leap and leap and stumble and play and delight in … my friends, business, family, creativity, power, health … and more.

My experience of relationships feel like a closed off area of sadness and just plain disbelief … an area where my justifications were often external [it was other peoples fault not mine] and harsh [well feck them ... 2 can play at this game] and my behaviour hurt me and others [and also helped and delighted as well ... nothing is black and white] … and I was hurt in return.

An area of my life where I used every justification I listed above … and I’ve created a self fulfilling prophecy that has more power than a nuclear strike. My self justification was and is very very real to me:

• · By referring to others as the source of my behaviour … ’they are damaged’  ’they need to look at themselves and deal with their issues’  ’I'd never do that’  ‘it’s just the way they are’
• · By selectively filtering information to prove that I was right  … ’They never … listened … cared … were there’
• · By referring to past experiences … ’nearly every one cheated or left or lied … there were some good ones and they left too … only a few good experiences’
• · By pointing to the Rules set by religion, state, culture etc … ’nearly everyone is or has been in one … so I really should keep trying’ ‘that’s the way we’re brought up’
• · By imagining the result [positive or negative] … ’pain, confusion, more pain, a bit of fun, more pain and confusion’

Not a pretty sight is it?

And it’s all real to me … the memories of the past and the stomach turning anticipation of the future [my stomach has started hurting just writing this and my breathing is in fear mode ... interesting].

I’m not saying that bad things haven’t happened to me … they have … and so have good things [although they feel few and far between in this area of my life].

What I’m exploring is how I have developed a ‘reality’ about this area of my life … an amazing self fulfilling prophecy.

A friend said to me recently ‘ I just don’t get why you of all people have this dark area in your life. In every other area you use every tool you talk about in Life Dreaming and you make things happen and live a really positive life’.

Other friends tell me that they can’t understand how I seem to attract/invite the wounded and the distant and the not available … even when I try and be honest and truthful with them and myself.

I don’t get it either … it’s like a very thick glass wall where I can see other people being brave and giving it a go and enjoying themselves and getting hurt … and having their own self justifying reality.

I just don’t get why it’s even so important to them and why it seems to work … even for a short while … for many people.

I delight in seeing people together … and … I really do prefer to live alone and not be in a relationship.

So … who’s right?

Everyone in some way because we’re all creating and choosing the life we want to live.

I know there’s something about reframing my self talk and putting in place some great actions … and I don’t want to.

I don’t trust myself or others enough to try again and again … and to repeat myself … I LOVE living alone.

I’m also not convinced that it’s something I want in my life … that I want to invest the time and energy and effort [all the ‘E’ Factors … read Motivation Fish] into a relationship when I could be investing it in areas of my life that I love.

In the main I love the life I’ve created and I’ve never met anyone I want to spend a lot of time with … in my home [or even next door!] … every day … every week.

I have no easy answers. I just don’t know.

What I know is that this area of my life may stay this way … and that will be my choice … and I will be truthful [as I can] with myself about why I choose this particular way of being.

I’m one of those rare people who really love living and being alone and my experience of relationships hasn’t changed my mind.

Life’s a complex little possum  … all the time.

Writing this has brought up memories and feelings that revolve around feeling that I have failed somehow at something society [across all religions] sees as being at the core of happiness and valuable living.

I’m aware of the self justifications and choices [good, bad and indifferent] I have regarding relationships … and I’ll own them.

I’m also aware that we live in a society that idolizes the idea of relationships … people in couples. It’s kind of important if the species is to survive.

And every now and again I take a tentative step toward changing my particular reality … teeny tiny steps … quiet whispery steps … and then I stop.

I stop because it’s more enjoyable and engaging and fulfilling to focus on all the other areas of my life … and that’s fine … that’s my choice.

I have given myself permission to peek back at that life area on a regular basis and dig a little more … take another teeny step … change an old pattern … and challenge bigger societal dogma about coupledom and singledom.

Who knows what interesting things will happen in life to turn our self justifying dogma on its arse.

Life Dreaming Activity

I’m not going to write down any fab activities today. I invite you to let me know if this made any sense to you … I want to learn from you.

If there was an Olympic Gold for finding reasons not to do things … I’d win.

• too busy
• too tired
• too lazy
• too old
• too far away
• too much effort
• too many skills needed
• too much hassle
• too undeserving
• too scary
• too unlovable

And you know something?

There were times when I didn’t even know I was sabotaging myself … when I believed that I didn’t try something … take a risk … develop a dream … because I had rational reasons.

Now … I’m  not advocating jumping off cliffs [although I have done that once into the ocean and it was fab ... go read my I'm not ready yet post] without some kind of preparation.

What I am saying is that there is an enemy within … and it’s name is ME.

The conversations you have with yourself really help or hinder whether and how you achieve your dreams.

A life time of inner chatter creates what I call ruts in our unconscious … a way of seeing and believing in ourselves that affects every decision we make.

Some of the inner chatter is for our own safety … don’t run in front of the truck … I don’t think I’ll give this new boyfriend my life savings … don’t eat that …

And a lot of the inner chatter is so ingrained that you don’t have any idea that it’s stopping you making your dream a reality.

Listening to yourself … to the chatter that follows every idea and action … can be both horrifying and illuminating.

Some of the things we say to ourselves are so dream shrinking that we’d never say them to someone we loved … or even someone we didn’t like.

• you don’t deserve it
• who would ever love you
• you’re so stupid
• why would anyone find you interesting
• you’ll never be able to do it
• you’re useless
• you’ll never get the skills
• that’s just like you
• you have no imagination
• you can’t organise anything
• there’s no way you’ll get people to support and believe in you
• you’re just not worth it
• you’ll fail

And that’s just a small list of the dangerous and destructive inner chat that we have with ourselves every day.

When I’m working to achieve my dreams I pay a lot of attention to my inner chatter … and it goes ballistic. It’s like every fear I ever had … every negative remark about myself … rises in a tumult of voices.

And I listen to them.

Just long enough to write them down and decide what’s valid and what’s ridiculous [check out my post 'Fear ... Friend or Foe?' where I write them down for my new dream].

Not all inner chat is the enemy.

When we have grown into our lives we learn and choose to be kinder to ourselves … to not put ourselves down … to speak gently and thoughtfully about the dreams we have.

I am my own cheer squad these days:

• you’re amazing
• love that idea
• yeh … let’s give it a try
• can’t wait to explore it
• i believe in you
• well done for the effort so far
• people will fall over themselves to help/support you [thank you to readers, family and friends who are doing this as we build Life Dreaming ... BIG THANKS]
• have I told you lately how fab you’re looking … curvy is the new black
• now … what’s the next step … I know you can do it
• you handled that crisis really well
• i’m so glad you’re you

And if you don’t speak kindly to yourself … START NOW [yup ... I just raised my voice].

I believe that our inner chatter is such an important part of helping and hindering us from achieving our dreams that I created a specific module in the Life Dreaming Expedition to explore it.

Enjoy this The Enemy Within and I love Marc’s gorgeous design.

We want to be beautiful and practical.

Bye

Liz

p.s I have been in a small whirlwind of work and serious play in Dublin over the last 2 days and really thought I had posted this yesterday with the morsel link … obviously I didn’t and have had a serious chat with myself [part of me is off sulking as I write this].

Apologies to all you fab readers who rushed to your in boxes yesterday only to be left desolate because there wasn’t a Life Dreaming post … it won’t happen again.

And as it’s late Friday evening in Singapore [and 3pm here in Ireland] I don’t want to bother my dear brother Marc … so for right now I can’t have the pretty banner … but you still can download the LD Morsel activity sheet.

Have a wonderful playful weekend.

Leave a comment and let me know what you think of this tasty little morsel.

[john bauer - svipdig with freya]

Fear is real … and it’s not. It’s your friend and your foe.

Dog chasing you down the street with teeth bared … fear real? Fear is your Friend.

Not following a dream … fear real? Fear is our Foe.

Fear … real or perceived … kills dreams … dead.

I’ve just made a big decision … and thanks to brother Marc for helping move this dream from safe to downright scary.

I’ve decided to move to Bali at the end of 2011 and live there for a few years. The main reason is that I want to be closer to my family … 2.5 hours flying to West Oz and Singapore. I’ll be moving from Ireland after living here for 18 years.

Yup … another big Life Dream.

The initial excitement of making the decision has been followed by my usual thing … which is to go research the guts out of it … find out more … read about other people’s experiences.

And then the fear rose.

Folks … if I didn’t let it rise … if I didn’t let it speak … then somewhere along the line … it will either start shouting or go silent.

When fear starts to shout we will often close down and not move towards the dream … it all feels too much.

When fear goes silent because we haven’t listened … that can be even worse. It usually means that it’ll work quietly in the background … the inner chatter of self doubt … the weird nagging feelings … all the doubts.

And before you know it ... dream over … and we’ll be able to rationalise our decision beautifully.

And the Safety Sirens call will be heard – ‘ stay here … it’s what you know … it’s scary out there’

So how do you make fear your friend?

I don’t have all the answers but this is what I did yesterday when I stopped to listen to the Fear Chatter:

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I’ve had times in my life when I’ve said to myself … when ‘x’ happens … then I’ll be happy.

[kay nielson - in the midst of the gloomy wood]

When I:

• lose weight
• earn more money
• have no debts
• start that new business
• exercise more
• find that person who will be my soulmate

Thankfully, I say that less and less in my life these days.

Why?

Because I choose to be creative, content and bloody grateful every single day … regardless of my circumstances.

I’ve written before about a quote I read when I was 30 or 31 by a guy called Victor Frankl. He wrote an amazing book called Man’s Search for Meaning and one quote in particular changed my life

Everything can be taken from you but one thing: the last of the human freedoms … to choose your attitude in any given set of circumstances. To choose one’s own way. 1959.

Let me put that quote and the man in some perspective for you.

He wrote this book after he had spent many years in a nazi concentration camp … where everything is taken from you. He decided that we all have the power to create meaning in our lives regardless of how bad [or good] our external circumstances look.

That quote shifted the axis of my world when I was 30 and has been at the core of me ever since.

In 2008 and 2009 I experienced the cutting edge of the recession here in Ireland … nothing like being a trailblazer!

The clients I worked with in the non profit charity sector had their budgets decimated and they couldn’t hire me.

In those 2 years my income nearly disappeared … money was really really tight. In 2009 I couldn’t pay my rent for many months and heating the house in the winter was difficult.

I sound a little like the match stick girl in the snow … but I wasn’t.

When I saw what was happening I knew I would find ways to cut back, create new revenue, find ways to stay warm and eat … I see myself as very resilient and able to deal with the shit when it happens. And I asked and received different kinds of help and support in that time.

That wasn’t the core thing I did to thrive [notice I didn't say just survive] in those challenging times.

I sat myself down and had a chat with myself and this is kind of how it went …

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