Life Dreaming

Dali – Couple with their heads full of clouds.

Marc did an interesting thing today. He wrote 2 paragraphs and then challenged me to finish it … and I did. And I was surprised where my writing took me.

When I sent it back to him he was surprised at the direction I went in … he was thinking of another direction.

So my fab readers … you’ll get to see where my brother Marc takes these 2 paragraphs on Thursday.

I do love doing things a tad differently.

Here are the 2 paragraphs:

Whenever we decide to cheat (or not) on our partners, lie (or not) to our employers, be creative (or not) with our tax returns and forgive (or not) someone who annoyed us, the self-justification mechanism kicks in to assure us that we did the right thing.

Our attitudes and values become more and more deeply entrenched. It provides an explanation – a partial one at least – for how other people manage to do the foolish, selfish and mean spirited things they do. They do them in precisely the same way we do the foolish, shelfish and mean-spirited things we do … as well as the courageous, silly & generous things.

And we justify our choices & decisions & view of life a number of ways:

· By referring to others as the reason for our behaviour … ‘he made me …’  ’they’re all doing it …’ ‘She told me that’s what I should do ..’ ‘they started it …’

· By selectively filtering information to prove that you were right in doing what you did … ‘that proves I was right …’ ‘ that information isn’t right … they don’t know what they’re talking about’ … only selecting the good or bad stuff.

· By referring to past experiences … ‘that’s the way I’ve always done it’  ’ It’s happened this way every time I tried … what’s the point in trying again’  ‘it worked well for me before’

· By pointing to the Rules set by religion, state, culture etc … ‘that’s the commandments’  ’there’s a law against it’  ‘We just don’t allow that kind of thing’ ‘it’s the way our community/family works’

· By imagining the result [positive or negative] … ‘If I do this then … it’ll hurt … no one will like me … I’ll fail … I’ll be happy … they’ll approve of me …’

None of these ways are necessarily great good or great evil … they are just some of the ways we will use to justify our choices, attitudes & behaviours towards ourselves and others.

And the more conscious we are about how we are making these self justifying choices … the more powerfully we can make choices in the future … or not … it’s always up to you.

The choices we make can either expand or contract our lives.

There is one area in my life where this self justification has entrenched a pattern of belief, attitudes and behaviours in a way that I don’t even know anymore whether it’s expanding or contracting my life.

And that ‘reality’ is that I’m a complete failure/dud/naysayer when it comes to my relationships with men … they just don’t work … or are too much hard work … or are a pain in the heart.

Looking slightly confused and bemused

Even writing about it makes me tense up … so I suppose I’d better face that fear and see where it takes me.

Nearly every area of my life exudes abundance and hope and willingness to take risks … I leap and leap and stumble and play and delight in … my friends, business, family, creativity, power, health … and more.

My experience of relationships feel like a closed off area of sadness and just plain disbelief … an area where my justifications were often external [it was other peoples fault not mine] and harsh [well feck them ... 2 can play at this game] and my behaviour hurt me and others [and also helped and delighted as well ... nothing is black and white] … and I was hurt in return.

An area of my life where I used every justification I listed above … and I’ve created a self fulfilling prophecy that has more power than a nuclear strike. My self justification was and is very very real to me:

• · By referring to others as the source of my behaviour … ’they are damaged’  ’they need to look at themselves and deal with their issues’  ’I'd never do that’  ‘it’s just the way they are’
• · By selectively filtering information to prove that I was right  … ’They never … listened … cared … were there’
• · By referring to past experiences … ’nearly every one cheated or left or lied … there were some good ones and they left too … only a few good experiences’
• · By pointing to the Rules set by religion, state, culture etc … ’nearly everyone is or has been in one … so I really should keep trying’ ‘that’s the way we’re brought up’
• · By imagining the result [positive or negative] … ’pain, confusion, more pain, a bit of fun, more pain and confusion’

Not a pretty sight is it?

And it’s all real to me … the memories of the past and the stomach turning anticipation of the future [my stomach has started hurting just writing this and my breathing is in fear mode ... interesting].

I’m not saying that bad things haven’t happened to me … they have … and so have good things [although they feel few and far between in this area of my life].

What I’m exploring is how I have developed a ‘reality’ about this area of my life … an amazing self fulfilling prophecy.

A friend said to me recently ‘ I just don’t get why you of all people have this dark area in your life. In every other area you use every tool you talk about in Life Dreaming and you make things happen and live a really positive life’.

Other friends tell me that they can’t understand how I seem to attract/invite the wounded and the distant and the not available … even when I try and be honest and truthful with them and myself.

I don’t get it either … it’s like a very thick glass wall where I can see other people being brave and giving it a go and enjoying themselves and getting hurt … and having their own self justifying reality.

I just don’t get why it’s even so important to them and why it seems to work … even for a short while … for many people.

I delight in seeing people together … and … I really do prefer to live alone and not be in a relationship.

So … who’s right?

Everyone in some way because we’re all creating and choosing the life we want to live.

I know there’s something about reframing my self talk and putting in place some great actions … and I don’t want to.

I don’t trust myself or others enough to try again and again … and to repeat myself … I LOVE living alone.

I’m also not convinced that it’s something I want in my life … that I want to invest the time and energy and effort [all the ‘E’ Factors … read Motivation Fish] into a relationship when I could be investing it in areas of my life that I love.

In the main I love the life I’ve created and I’ve never met anyone I want to spend a lot of time with … in my home [or even next door!] … every day … every week.

I have no easy answers. I just don’t know.

What I know is that this area of my life may stay this way … and that will be my choice … and I will be truthful [as I can] with myself about why I choose this particular way of being.

I’m one of those rare people who really love living and being alone and my experience of relationships hasn’t changed my mind.

Life’s a complex little possum  … all the time.

Writing this has brought up memories and feelings that revolve around feeling that I have failed somehow at something society [across all religions] sees as being at the core of happiness and valuable living.

I’m aware of the self justifications and choices [good, bad and indifferent] I have regarding relationships … and I’ll own them.

I’m also aware that we live in a society that idolizes the idea of relationships … people in couples. It’s kind of important if the species is to survive.

And every now and again I take a tentative step toward changing my particular reality … teeny tiny steps … quiet whispery steps … and then I stop.

I stop because it’s more enjoyable and engaging and fulfilling to focus on all the other areas of my life … and that’s fine … that’s my choice.

I have given myself permission to peek back at that life area on a regular basis and dig a little more … take another teeny step … change an old pattern … and challenge bigger societal dogma about coupledom and singledom.

Who knows what interesting things will happen in life to turn our self justifying dogma on its arse.

Life Dreaming Activity

I’m not going to write down any fab activities today. I invite you to let me know if this made any sense to you … I want to learn from you.